Long, long ago on a nice friendly island not far off the coast of
Mexico there lived an old chef. Life was good for the chef. He had retired with his wife and moved to this nice quiet island. But his baking days were far from over. This old chef had a dream. He wanted to create a life-like man made out of wheat bread. And he did just that. He started by putting wheat into a pot. After that he added some spices and a little bit of love……..You get the idea. 3 ½ hours later he was done. As simple as that. He opened the oven door to see his masterpiece. To his own amazement he was perfect. He looked exactly like a person, except 1/8th the size. Ok so he looked more like an elf, an elf made of wheat-bread. But we’ll just pretend he’s a man. “Hello?” the old chef asked the Wheatbreadman. Wheatbreadman looked up into the old chefs eyes. They sat there for a minute gazing deeply into each others eyes. Then out of nowhere Wheatbreadman much to the shock of the chef he leaped out the oven, kicked the chef in the shin and sprinted out the door. You see the thing is that the old man thoughtlessly and foolishly added essence of pure evil into the mix. Wheatbreadman was evil. He ran around town infuriating all the residents.
First he bumped into the old chef’s wife who was happily working away in the garden. The old lady turned around “Why hello there little guy. You startled me”. Wheatbreadman started growling and baring his teeth. “What’s the matter little fella?” the old wife asked nicely. Wheatbreadman pushed her out of the way and started attacking the garden ferociously. Flowers and leaves were flying everywhere. Wheatbreadman pushed the lady over again with one final push and fled off down the road. The old wife sat there on the ground, covered in dust and dirt completely and utterly devastated.
Next he bumped into two cows grazing happily in a field. They both looked up at him. “Mmmm he looks nice James” said one cow to another. “Do you think we can eat him?” asked the second. “I don’t know but I’m gonna try”. The first cow jumped at Wheatbreadman. He jumped to the side and kicked him in the leg. Luckily the second cow was a black belt in karate. He came flying at Wheatbreadman narrowly missing his head with a side kick. Wheatbreadman did not like this. He grabbed the cows udder and pulled. The cow stumbled and fell over the other cow, who was lying down and enjoying the fight. Wheatbreadman took advantage of this and ran off. “We’ve got to get him” said the first cow. “We?” asked the second cow. “You just sat there and watched!”
Meanwhile, Wheatbreadman was off at the kindergarten. He stormed in through the front door. One of the teachers approached him. “Hello sir, are you here to see one of the children or are you just visiting?” she asked. “Just so you know some of these kids are orphans and you can take them for a minimal wage”. Wheatbreadman ignored her and walked in anyway. To his left he noticed a little room with children in cages, apparently all for sale. He walked over to the mat which was fenced off so the kids couldn’t escape. In this cage there were little bowls of water with each kids name on them. There was a sign on it that read “Bargain Bin. High quality kids for a low quality price”. The children were writing on a poor quality blackboard. He went straight for a red-head kid and picked him up. He headed out the door. The teacher followed. “Sir, are you going to pay for that?” Wheatbreadman pulled one dollar and ninety-nine cents out of his “pants” and threw it to her. Even Wheatbreadman had to agree that it was a great price, he’d seen cheap kids before but this was exceptional. He started walking off. “Mr Bread” asked the kid politely. “Where are you taking me?” “You look funny” “Can I eat you?” “What are you made of?” “Do you have friends” “How old are you” Wheatbreadman started getting agitated. “Why do you look angry?” “Why didn’t I cost much money to buy” “You’re holding me too tightly” “You’re kind of fat” That was it. Wheatbreadman couldn’t take anymore of this cruel, cruel punishment. He threw the kid in a river. A fox who was swimming past noticed the boy. “Hey” it said “I think you dropped your kid” Wheatbreadman ignored him as he does most people. “Do you want it back?” “Hey! You threw him in here on purpose didn’t you?” Wheatbreadman stopped and looked at the fox. Then he noticed something over the other side of the river. It was a bakery. Ever since his birth Wheatbreadman had dreamed of being in a bakery. His bread brothers and sisters were off having fun at a bakery while he was stuck stealing kids and whatnot. He needed to get over there.
“Hey fox” for the first time in his life Wheatbreadman talked “Get me across the river”. The fox realised Wheatbreadmans desperate situation and thought maybe it could take advantage. “Sure buddy just come here and hop on my back”. Wheatbreadman had no idea what sort of danger he was in. As he walked over a large hoof was placed on his shoulder holding him back. He turned around and realised he was face to face with the black belt cow again. Wheatbreadman took no chances and jumped straight onto the fox’s back. “Step on it foxy!” The fox swam as fast as its little paws would take it but it was no use. The cow jumped into the water and landed on both of them. Wheatbreadman was forced under. “Nooooo I’m shrinking!” screamed Wheatbreadman, but he screams were masked by the churning waters. It was true he was getting smaller and smaller by the second. He desperately needed out of the water. He pathetically “swam” (it looked more like he was having a heart attack) his way to the waters edge. He clambered ashore and started coughing up water. By now he was only the size of a small book. “You!” he opened his eyes and saw the old chef’s wife staring straight at him. “You wrecked my garden!” Wheatbreadman noticed a stick lying next to him. “My only passion, the one thing in my life I actually enjoyed”. Wheatbreadman thought to himself “if only I could get that stick to defend myself with”. The old chef’s wife continued “You wrecked it and now you’ll pay”. Sensing a real danger Wheatbreadman reached for the stick he thought he could pull off some of his crouching tiger, hidden dragon moves that he learnt from a video this one time. Unfortunately it was too late. The old lady stood on him……
At the funeral there were great celebrations. The kindergarten children had been let out of their cages and onto leashes for the day and decorated the streets with drawings. The old chef had been up all night baking a huge purple cake. The old chef’s wife had scattered flowers all over the roads. There was a marching band and acrobats. The red-head kid had been returned to the kindergarten and his price had been upped a little due to his experiences. Even the circus rolled into town. The elephants marched past and one of them tripped on the cake and crushed the coffin. Nobody seemed to care.